I got so tired of feeling helpless to quit and living with the fear that I was killing myself slowly, one cigarette at a time. Quitting seemed impossible and yet I could picture it in my mind's eye so clearly. I could barely go 4 hours without a butt though, let alone days, months and years. At least that is what I believed...but as strong as my need to feed the addiction was, my desire to be free of it was becoming even more compelling. I was in constant turmoil over it, and it was an awful way to live.
I had a couple of fitful starts just prior to my quit date of Oct 29, 2001. They didn't even amount to a blip on the screen. Looking back on it, I think i was mentally revving my engine, getting ready to get serious. I wanted to quit so badly. I bought the second box of patches. I had wasted the first box with all of my starting and stopping, and it stung a little to buy the next box, but I did it. I was sick with a cold that had gone into my lungs by the second day. I was frightened by the severity of the symptoms I was having. That was on a Friday. I smoked all weekend, not quite sure just when the quit would begin. I was longing for it and dreading it at the same time. Finally, I found enough courage to put out that last cigarette on Monday morning, Oct 29th, 2001.
I felt desperate to make it work...
...but like any addict, I doubted my ability to make this quit stick. I went along for the first 5 days moment to moment. I was amazed and thrilled at each day I completed without smoking. A part of my mind was in constant chatter mode too: "I'll get some cigarettes on my way to work.", "I'll stop for a pack on my way home.", or, "If I don't feel better by tonight, I'll buy some." It was annoying, frustrating, and loud! It wore me out to have so many thoughts of smoking, and my mind spent a huge amount of time trying to convince me to cave. It was tough to hold on, but I did, just barely.
Hudson, (my namesake on the forum, as some of you know) came into my life on day 6. He was an 8 week old german shepard pup, and I spent the next several weeks of my quit chasing him around the house as well as getting up with him at night when he needed to go out. Instead of nursing myself through the worst of my withdrawal phase with lots pampering, I was taking care of a newborn! I did like the fact that this little guy never saw me take a puff though, and I've always thought of him as my quit buddy.
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